Labyrinth of Suffering

bye bye omfgxiuli. you’ve been too good to me.

hello iamtikkinan.blogspot.com

i feel terrible. all of a sudden. assuming that people want to read my new blog. when i know people dont…okay im getting neurotic again.

bye.

hi.

i was just talking about this with my friend. i really feel like i should take some time away from the place ive known as "home" for the last 19 years and try to find pieces of myself.  Life here is stifling. Like there’s no room. With all the buildings. The people are starting to look very generic. Its like there are only 2 extremes you can be in Singapore.  Either,Or. Rich or Poor. Smart or Stupid. No room for the people in between.  I dont want that for myself. I want to see more.

I think feel too much. i always feeeeeeel so many things that its wearing me out.

But for awhile it seems like the feelings that ive been writing about has been my constant companion for the past few months. is that normal? to perpetually be in deep malaise and melancholy?  Is it just a phase? i tend to have many of those. But its this thing that i cant shake off.

i wish there i can walk to nowhere forever…like an endless road.

my friend said i looked happy today. and think i kinda was..

ahh progress.

haha.

hello world… just random musings before I head off to lalaland. I think I am experiencing schizophrenic-like qualities while writing this entry. Because whatever I want to say is completely opposite from what I am writing and after I type it out I have to erase all the nonsense I am writing. At least this sentence makes sense.

Sometimes it feels like I am alive but I am not truly living. Like something is missing but I cant fill it somehow. After all my fruitless and (most of the times) expensive attempts. I am really self absorbed arent I? Alot of "I’s" in my entry. Me.Me.Me. hahaha

Well. I dont know if it is because I lack love. not like boy-girl love cause I am very cynical about THAT kind of love. its not love people. Maybe if people expressed their love for me more I would feel better and not so…alone. very empty.do you think its God? Maybe God can save me. He’s terrible. Keeps pilling shit on me when HE KNOWS I am terrible at handling shit.

I just feel that I am not good enough for anything. I feel so bad for my friends cause they have to put up with me. I dont even think I am good enough for them. I just want to apologize and say sorry because of the way I am. I cant help it. My mind doesnt stop no matter how much i try. Even when I am sleeping my mind doesnt stop. I am not good enough to have friends…I mean what do i do but make people feel worse… because i am aggressive and thoughtless.

Hahhaha this is so "emo" and self deprecating. but thats just the way i am..now. like i said. cant help how im feeling.

okay.

finally. goosenight. maybe i will have a better sleep tonight.

shut the blinds and lock the doors

and if you hear someone coming near

just close your eyes and make them disappear

no, it aint fair how i cant be happy

….now that i know that’s how it goes.

mindfucking in a major way.

everybody’s just leading their own lives. why would they bother about yours…fuck even your parents dont give two shits.

hahahahhahhahahahah im so fucking stupid. useless piece of shit.  dont bother. dont fucking bother.

hate me. hate mum. hate dad. why do i always do this…

fuck. i hate myself for doing this. im such a phony annoying worthless waste of space.

read and weep bitches. Hannah and I got free tickets to Singfest which I wasnt interested in until i found out kanye west and lupe fiasco was performing. I mean tickets are so expensive for like 5 good acts out of 20? bullshit. money grubbing coporate machines. Anyway, we got in cause we must have looked quite pathetic, standing outside trying to peep in and she gave us tickets!!! but  nothing in life comes for free so we bought her a couple of beers….but still cant believe our luck. and singfest is afuckingmazing.

Mr West Mr West Mr West

SINGFEST 2010!!!! YEESK!

i miss her already….

and it has only been an hour

):

THE dress.

swooooooooooon

true dat.

love, love will tear us apart again..